It's amazing as I sit here and think about my life over the past 9 months and from where I was, to where I am now it's completely different. I had high expectations, friends, hobbies, goals and all of that completely brought me to my knees when the stress from work hit.
I was literally at a point where I couldn't drive, couldn't go anywhere, wouldn't answer my phone to talk to anyone, couldn't ride my motorcycle, heck I wouldn't even leave the house or my room. Not to mention at this time I was on 9 different medications that my Kaiser doctors didn't monitor until you made a complaint then they actually cared for the moment or should I say hour session.
It amazes me how much stress I have been put through since being off for stress. You would think people would actually give a crap and care, but no their ignorance shines through and they have no idea what you are really going through. They just hound you and threat after threat or lack of response.
I can honestly say day by day I make a smidge of progress. But when I look back I can't believe, I feel I have wasted 9 months of my life and it wasn't even my fault it was my pathetic supervisor and co worker who treated me like crap and I just took it day after day until I finally cracked and became so ill.
I sometimes look back and am so angry that I could let people take advantage of me and treat me that way. But then again I also look that they are no longer in my life and probably just as pathetic and ignorant as they always were, while I have grown and taken steps for the better through school and classes.
I wish sometimes for just a moment when I tell people what I am going through they could be in my shoes for just a second and see that's it's real. It's not like I broke my arm and they can see a cast, so they don't believe anything is wrong. But just like everything you have the good days and you have the really bad days. Those are the ones where I don't want to leave the house, shower or even get out of bed.
I don't think there has been a single day in 9 months that I actually have felt like my old self. Sure I am becoming able to drive but not like I use to. Sure I can go out to the store, but not for hours. Sure I can go to the bar, but I leave shortly after not even having anything but water since I don't have alcohol or caffeine anymore. Not like I drank more than one drink every few months but to not even have the options now sucks. It's like why go with friends if I can't, what's the point. So then I lose a lot of friends because I can't go.
I can say that my complete circle of friends went from a group to 8 months of none, I literally me not a single friend to talk to, to now slowly meeting people. I use that term because I am sure I can count on a few but nothing like years ago when I had real friends that would talk to every single day. It's hard because people just don't understand.
I just continue with my struggle taking it one day at a time. Who knows what tomorrow will bring and how I will feel, I sure don't.
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