Piling Up?

Hmmm is everything piling up yet? Have I reached MY limit. To ask myself this question I am not sure. I thought that point was last July when I got sick from work stress or maybe the September before in 2008 from work stress?

It's hard to tell. I mean between work stress that made me sick and now overcoming no one has any clue what I have had to endure.

From having to deal with the workers compensation company. That in itself was and still is ridiculous. Their job it to deny and make you look like a liar. They don't want to have to pay. Of course not, then they won't make profit and they don't want their clients to be liable for anything that could lead to lawsuits.

Next up was work short term disability. Because the workers comp was denied and in appeal status I had to go through this whole bunch of hoops. Ridiculous because they claim that my first episode of stress illness was preexisting to this one so they are considering it a preexisting condition. How stupid can people get. It is not preexisting when it never stopped. I was sick the whole time just not as bad.

Then work itself. Getting rid of my job last October and not telling me till I said my doctor wants to know this January. Then telling me to apply for jobs, which I did. But I was then told I couldn't be I was sick from work. Now in April I am being told to apply for job, which I did again, because in May my job will for sure be gone. Please tell me when Human Resource people actually start to make sense when they tell you things.

The best yet would have to be when HR and my boss told me I couldn't talk to the school/DeVry because I was complaining about yet again the service I was receiving but 6 months down the road the actual answer HR gave me was "they were trying to contact you, subject closed". Really that is the most ignorant statement I have ever heard in my life. That is just the cherry on the sundae so they don't get in trouble because that statement of telling me at my place of work that I couldn't speak to my school after telling me I was in trouble for texting on my personal lunch was over the top for me. I couldn't take the stress abuse my supervisor was giving me. Even though I could have probably taken it longer because of my strength my body physically wasn't letting me and took me to the hospital and 50+ pounds of weight loss later over 6+ months.

My whole life has been turned upside down. At least they finally realized one point that I could continue with school which has been the only temporary plus. Mostly a huge loss, from my job, to loss of income, loss of security and damages sustained. Still in the on going battle of workers comp and appealing that in court because of a stupid doctor.

Oh and I just love kaiser and their 9 months of treatment I have experienced. From 8 to 10 medications at one point to taking every single class their psychiatry department recommends I would say I should get a certificate for knowledge and being probably the only patient to take 9 classes over 4 months. At least it was something to keep me busy. These days go by so slow with nothing to do. Seriously unless I have a doctor appointment which went from 6-10 appointments a month I now have 2? Why? That's a great question. I wish I knew because although I feel a little better compared to where I was I am still not better but they are treating me as though a little progress means completely healed or should I say since my father stopped complaining to their department heads they have started to fall off the band wagon again. Probably time for him to make a few calls.

All in all at this point it still sucks.

Day Of Days

Talk about a day where emotions go from completely sad for my dear and best friend Jenn on one of the worst days for her family. Losing not only a loved one but a parent. I can't even imagine. I came close 3 years ago when my dad had his heart attack but I stood stong for my mother. The whole thing never phased me until I saw my friend standing before everyone talking about her father and realizing that could of been me and I wish there was something I could do to take away her pain. I honestly cant imagine having to do that to a parent so close to. I know her and I had that special bond only a single daughter/father have. The understanding, trust, occasional arguments, but trust and passion. They want you to do your best. It may seem like they are bugging you to the point of aggravation but it's only because they know you can succeed and you do. They do it all out of love. A love that can never be broken even after passing. I have such a greater appreciate for love, life and passion. I am just glad I could stand there and be there for my friend (the one I met my first day of college), the one who no matter how much time has passed catch up in a matter of minutes. I would say she is a true friend as I hope she thinks of me the same. I am so very happy that she has a wonderful man Adam by her side to help her through these trying times. They are perfect for each other, as I sit here and smile, I can't wait till their day together comes. She knows it is.

Life is really to short, DO IT ALL WITH NO REGRET.

Even if their is regret oh well you have one life to live and you can say at the end I did all these things. No one is perfect so don't try to be. Be yourself, others only love you for who you are not what you fake to be.

Fiverr

http://www.fiverr.com/users/ninjanikki/gigs

Every Day Health

http://www.everydayhealth.com/profile/NicoleErinMiller

Working Through It

It's amazing as I sit here and think about my life over the past 9 months and from where I was, to where I am now it's completely different. I had high expectations, friends, hobbies, goals and all of that completely brought me to my knees when the stress from work hit.

I was literally at a point where I couldn't drive, couldn't go anywhere, wouldn't answer my phone to talk to anyone, couldn't ride my motorcycle, heck I wouldn't even leave the house or my room. Not to mention at this time I was on 9 different medications that my Kaiser doctors didn't monitor until you made a complaint then they actually cared for the moment or should I say hour session.

It amazes me how much stress I have been put through since being off for stress. You would think people would actually give a crap and care, but no their ignorance shines through and they have no idea what you are really going through. They just hound you and threat after threat or lack of response.

I can honestly say day by day I make a smidge of progress. But when I look back I can't believe, I feel I have wasted 9 months of my life and it wasn't even my fault it was my pathetic supervisor and co worker who treated me like crap and I just took it day after day until I finally cracked and became so ill.

I sometimes look back and am so angry that I could let people take advantage of me and treat me that way. But then again I also look that they are no longer in my life and probably just as pathetic and ignorant as they always were, while I have grown and taken steps for the better through school and classes.

I wish sometimes for just a moment when I tell people what I am going through they could be in my shoes for just a second and see that's it's real. It's not like I broke my arm and they can see a cast, so they don't believe anything is wrong. But just like everything you have the good days and you have the really bad days. Those are the ones where I don't want to leave the house, shower or even get out of bed.

I don't think there has been a single day in 9 months that I actually have felt like my old self. Sure I am becoming able to drive but not like I use to. Sure I can go out to the store, but not for hours. Sure I can go to the bar, but I leave shortly after not even having anything but water since I don't have alcohol or caffeine anymore. Not like I drank more than one drink every few months but to not even have the options now sucks. It's like why go with friends if I can't, what's the point. So then I lose a lot of friends because I can't go.

I can say that my complete circle of friends went from a group to 8 months of none, I literally me not a single friend to talk to, to now slowly meeting people. I use that term because I am sure I can count on a few but nothing like years ago when I had real friends that would talk to every single day. It's hard because people just don't understand.

I just continue with my struggle taking it one day at a time. Who knows what tomorrow will bring and how I will feel, I sure don't.